Saturday, February 3, 2018

What You Don't Know



What you don’t know is how hard it is to maintain grace and poise when inside you are raging and just want to stamp your feet and scream obscenities. 
What you don’t know is that smiling helpful person who is ready to jump in and assist wherever she can once felt as worthless as a 3 dollar bill.
What you don’t know is that it is impossible sometimes to bit her tongue from telling the children the truth, from screaming it loud from the rooftops and to clear that darkness that has been residing there since it all began.
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But how can you?  How can you speak out?  You can’t.  You are not allowed.  You are meant to be a fair and kindhearted person and so being that way, he gets to live guiltless and pristine in his actions in their eyes. 
But it isn’t fair.  Not to you.  Not in the least when you plaster that smile on your face and say have fun.  When you listen intently to their stories and feign happiness at the marvel that he is allowed to be to them.  It aches.  It hurts so badly. 
So, you bury it.  You hide it deep down inside where zoloft, therapy and prayer get to linger.  The occasional bitch session to your sister, to your dear friend, to your poor husband held hostage in your pain and forbidden to retaliate. 
You soldier on.  You overachieve.  You are the room mother.  You are the leader, the volunteer, the woman on the soapbox for every cause and event in town.  You do this not as a penance or a sacrifice, but as an effort to control something good.  An outlet to chip away at the hateful feelings you keep squashing down. 
You give them more than you should, you know this.  You glow with pride at their triumphs and cheerlead when they falter.  You make sure every moment of their childhood is as magical as you remember yours as being and add a touch more to make up for the times where they feel slighted.  
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                But, what YOU don’t know, don’t realize until you are pinned down and made to see is that even when they “hate” you or are “never speaking to you again”, there is a light that shines around you.  You feel drab and dumpy and tired, yet they see sunlight, they smell ivory soap, they feel warmth.  They comfort themselves in your embrace, to them YOU are home.  Remind yourself dear author to allow that light in when you are angry, when you are ready to scream..  You are an imprint in stone, his is only in sand..

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