She’s Come Undone

I’ve always been “good”.   I am traditionally a good girl.  I am reliable, responsible and respectful.  You can count on me.  I will be where I say I will be, normally 5 minutes early.  I will volunteer to bake cookies or treats.  I will jump in and offer to decorate.  I will create, print, sew, stir, bake, and execute whatever needs to be done.  That is me.  That is who I am and what I do.  Even stretching myself sometimes to a point where I am overwhelmed, it will still be me who raises that hand and says, “What needs to be done? Count on me”

And I do like that person, I will not change that for the world.  That is my “job” that I have assigned to myself.  I like that others know they can call on me for help and I’ll step up and do it. 

But… I believe that I might be coming undone…

I’ll explain-

I just turned 40.  I don’t actually feel 40. I hope that I don’t look 40, or if I do, that is a good thing and not some decrepit sea hag reference.  I can’t change it, I cannot age backwards.  I am not going to become one of those women who start dressing like they are 20 trying to compete with the younger crew.  Not a chance.  

The other day, my mom turned to me and said that I am doing exactly what she did when she turned 40.  She went out and got a tattoo (I am actually going to get one as well, my dragonfly, once I get the spare time to get it done).  I believe that is when she started wearing cowboy boots, black jeans and discovered line dancing.  She might have gone a bit wild, become a bit undone.  And that’s a good thing.  She still went to work, she still kept up with her responsibilities, she just changed a bit of who she saw when she looked in the mirror.

And why not?  You’ve made it to a point where you are officially an adult.  You aren’t young, but you aren’t old either.   You are.  You are a grown up, most likely with a grown up car, grown up job, your own dishes and silverware and ability to run a washing machine without overloading it or flooding out the basement with too much Tide (although, I have two words for you:  Tide Pods… awesome)

You can buy a bottle of decent wine and can drink it on a weeknight if you want to.  You’ve earned the right to have a glass of wine all by yourself and you are oddly ok with that.  

If you are like me, you’ve saddled yourself with the “good girl” moniker your whole life.  You did everything “right” in the eyes of society.  You went to college, you found a career, then got married, had children and settled into life.  End of story, you live life and so it goes around and around and around.

Not me… I’ve come undone.  

2 years ago I made the decision, with the help of my family and friends, to throw a kink in the works.  I moved away from my marriage.  I left.   I figured life would be better for my children and for myself if we left the path I was already on and ventured off onto a new road-  I took the Heather Mold I created for myself a long time ago and shattered it into pieces.  On the cusp of becoming 40, I discovered that I can be happy, fun and silly.  I had missed that part of myself.  I had become weighted down with the emotions and trappings I had accepted for myself, so much, that once I broke free of it, I started to find who I want to be.  

Because I am still the good girl, I still remain who I am in my heart.  I still raise that hand to help and love doing it.  I just have a spark, a spirit that I had lost a long time ago and I’ve seen it venturing out more and more.  By becoming “undone”, I’ve started full circle to realizing who I am lucky enough to be for the next stage of my life.  Call it becoming a bit wild, a bit untamed, but I am seeing it as a return to the passions of who I am.  Who I want my children to know, and who I want my friends and family to see.